Yankeebob’s New Blog

I saw a guy in Starbuck's this morning that really cracked me up. We'll just name him Portly Girth. Let me explain why.

I ordered my stuff and turned to go stand near the little counter spot where they hand it over. There was a guy standing there who was just a few inches taller than me but about 5 feet more round.  lol  I stopped and wondered why he was standing so close to the counter. It is kind of rude to stand in other peoples way like that. Then I noticed that his gut was resting on the counter. I'm very serious. His gut probably stuck out about 2 feet and it was resting on the counter at Starbuck's. 

I watched the guy for a little while and he seemed really agitated. He would sigh, run his hands over his head (he had almost no hair), shuffle his feet and lean in to see what the Barrista was doing. I guess he really needed his coffee. Then he backed off a little and shifted his feet and fidgeted a little. Then he moved back toward the counter and wiggled his gut back onto its resting place!

I about fell over watching that guy. He actually wiggled his hips so his gut worked its way back onto the counter. I guess that was the most comfortable position for his protruding girth. Then the girl gave him his Vente (largest size) Caramel Macciato with extra whipped cream. Figures. He grabbed that thing and immediately slurped it hard, like he would die if he had to wait another second without a coffee/sugar fix. After taking a huge sip/gulp, he raised his cup to the girl, nodded and turned with a smile to leave. I ralized as he waddled out of the store that that was the first time I saw him smile or even act relaxed.

I guess some people need their fix worse than others.    :)

I saw the most disturbing TV commercial this morning. Keep in mind I didn’t have sound on when I saw it so I wasn’t sure what was happening until the last seconds were showing.

It was a commercial for Charmin Bathroom Tissue where the 3 Bears theme was used. The Baby Bear came from behind a tree and had white things all over his butt. Mama Bear tried various ways to get the white things off his butt, including wiping with a towel and even using a vacuum. Nothing worked. Then they showed Baby Bear coming from behind the tree after using Charmin. (This is when the light bulb in my head went off.) He shook his butt showing no white things were stuck.

I realized then that this commercial was implying that we have toilet paper bits stuck on our butts all the time. Not just dingle berries, but used, sticky, gross toilet paper bits. Worse yet it implied that people were inspecting each others butts and (maybe) even removing those bits of used toilet paper.

Who do you know that has someone inspect their ass for left behind toilet paper? I don’t know anyone.

Then they showed a test where “another leading brand” and Charmin were wetted and drug along something and the other brand left bits behind. Typical BS thing you see in commercials. Charmin left no bits behind. I’m sold!

The coup de grace was the ending. Papa Bear came from behind the tree, complete with a newspaper under his arm, and shook his butt at Mama Bear and Baby Bear to show them he had no left over bits of used toilet paper stuck on his ass. That to me means Mama Bear must have been helping him out with the same problem.

I’m sorry. Maybe I’m over thinking this but no way is there anyone checking out someone else’s ass crack for toilet paper residue. Who would even consider doing that? What would make the Charmin people decide to put something like that in a commercial? Plus, I can’t imagine that being a great selling idea for poop paper. If a person has a problem with a dirty butt after going to the can, it’s probably not a toilet paper issue.

Maybe the ad people are truly out of good ideas.

YB: Hey, look over there.
L: Yes, Victoria’s Secret. I saw it.
YB: Well....???
L: I know, I model & you buy..... I remember.
YB: So? Finally going to give in?
L: No. Trust me, you don’t want me to model that stuff for you.
YB: Oh please. Every guy around would love for you to model for them. You know that.
L: No I don’t. Besides, we’re friends.
YB: Yes, but not forever.
L: What does that mean?
YB: Seriously? We’ve talked about this.
L: About us being a couple? Yeah, I remember. Probably will happen someday.
YB: Is that bad? lol
L: Nope. But it might be weird after all this time.
YB: Oh well, you know the truth Lisa. Someday we’ll just give up trying to find “the right one for us” and accept that we are the only people who can put up with us for long periods of time.
L: Yes, we are like mirrors of each other. It’s weird.
YB: You know it’s true.
L: I know but it’s still weird.
YB: So we’ll never stop wasting our time then?
L: Probably not. It’s our way.
YB: Yes, you are right. But still I think when we are about 85.....
L: 85?
YB: Yeah, we’ll be 85 and everyone we know will be dead.....
L: Nice.....
YB: ......then we’ll finally get together and be a couple.
L: Why so old?
YB: Because we never do things the easy way.
L: True. Well you better start working out now.
YB: Working out?
L: Yes. Even when I’m 85 I will be wanting good sex. You need to be ready.....
YB: Oh boy.....
L: .....when I am ready. You know I’m demanding.
YB: So I better start stocking up on Viagra?
L: No, no drugs. You better be ready because you want me.
YB: Hmmm..... at 85 that could be hard.....
L: It better be.
YB: LOL, you know what I mean. Hard to be ready on demand.
L: Yes, but at 85 I’ll still be me, ready when I’m ready.
YB: Yeah, probably. Will you wear Victoria’s Secret when you are 85?
L: Why would you want me to wear Victoria’s Secret then?
YB: Because some day I will get you to model for me. Even if it doesn’t happen until age 85 I’ll feel like I accomplished something.
L: OK, I get that. At 85 I will model for you.
YB: Good, then I promise you I will be hot and ready for you when you do.
L: How can you promise that?
YB: After 55 years waiting for it? Please!
L: LOL Good answer. But I will want it more than just the few times I wear Victoria’s Secret.
YB: Yes, that’s where Viagra comes in.
L: Maybe I will have to allow it sometimes.
YB: Yeah? Why the sudden change of heart?
L: I want the full treatment. You better be as good as I think you should be.
YB: Hmmm...... what the heck does that mean?
L: You are no secret to me. Remember some of the girls you were with are my friends.
YB: .....aanndd....
L: ...aanndd we all talk. Believe me, that is the truth about women.
YB: So you know my secrets then?
L: All of them.
YB: Not all.
L: All.
YB: Oh....
L: So you better work out and have Viagra. I have expectations.
YB: Oh.... just what have you and ‘the girls’ been talking about?
L: Everything.
YB: Everything?
L: Everything.
YB: Oh.... hmmm.....
L: What?
YB: Maybe we need to go to Victoria’s Secret now.
L: I told you not today.
YB: But think of it as an investment in your future.
L: Huh?
YB: I need more practice to keep up with your expectations. Model for me so I am inspired to go ‘practice’.
L: Ha ha. No.....
YB: Why not?
L: We’re not old enough. Talk to me when we are 85.
YB: *sigh

OK, here’s something to try. I just put Kosher Dill flavored potato chips on my Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. It is pretty darn good.

Before you are all “Well that has to suck!” try it. Trust me; I am a semi-professional connoisseur of fine food.

Have I ever led you astray?

Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant t seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of t he creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LOL Dumb ass.

"Well, he’s from Brooklyn. They read people quickly. They step on dead bodies the way we run over road kill."  JG 

JG: Did you see the visitor this morning?
YB: Yes, she’s a hottie.
JG: She’s tall.
YB: I think tall women are sexy.
JG: Tall women?
YB: Yeah, they are sexy.
JG: What, like in general or just a few specific tall women?
YB: Just tall women.
JG: Oh, like Julie Strain..... “6’1” and worth the climb”? lol
YB: Yeah, that’s a good example.
JG: But what about short women? You don’t think they are sexy?
YB: Oh yes, they are very sexy too.
JG: So you like short women and tall women.
YB: Yes.
JG: What about the medium height women?
YB: Very sexy also.
JG: So short, tall and anything in between......
YB: Sexy, sexy, sexy.....
JG: OK, height doesn’t matter then?
YB: Not to me.
JG: What about hair?
YB: I love red hair!
JG: Just red hair?
YB: No, blond is hot too.
JG: Brunettes?
YB: Very hot.
JG: Ooookay..... so height doesn’t matter nor does hair color?
YB: Nope, not to me. *smile
JG: Well, I am happy I fit in there somewhere.
YB: You know you do. You are a very attractive woman.
JG: Not sexy?
YB: Oh yes, very sexy. You know that.
JG: Yes, I know. I just wanted you to say it.
YB: Sheesh
JG: So getting back to it..... you think all women are sexy?
YB: Nope. Not the unsexy ones.
JG: Uhmmm, which are unsexy?
YB: Well, theres the preg--
JG: ---Yes, the pregnant ones. We all know how you feel about that.
JG: What about weight? Heavy women?
YB: They can be sexy too.
JG: Really? Skinny women?
YB: Definitely!
JG: So weight doesn’t matter?
YB: Sometimes it does. I believe all women have the chance to be sexy in some way.
JG: Sexual orientation?
YB: Lesbians are hott!
JG: Hmmm..... that is true.
JG: *sigh OK..... Let’s try this in another way..... Which women are not sexy?
YB: *thinking....
JG: ....Well?
YB: The dead ones.
JG: Oy! I should hope so!
YB: Well, I have to draw the line somewhere.....

Engineer returning from a recent business trip:

"Going to Montreal was a nightmare. Everything was French. The road signs, the menus, the people all spoke French. I didn't have a clue. I was never so happy to get back to the good old USA and hear some Spanish."

Merry Christmas blogger friends.

God Bless us, every one.

xoxo

I am so wound up this morning I am having a hard time sitting still to write. This will be a fun day. Probably a half day. I think I will take all my girlies (remember, I am the only guy in the department) out for lunch and then send them home. What say my blogger buds? Think I should?

Yeah, I will.

Plus on the way to Starbuck's I was searching for Christmas music when I came across this radio station that played a double shot of Crack The Sky. If you don't know who they are/were, look them up. One of my favorite bands ever. That helped get me awake.

It's like a ghost-town here. So many people off for the Christmas vacation already. Next week will be even better. I purposely made sure I was here next week so I could enjoy the peace and quiet. I can actually get caught up for a change since there won't be any dorks constantly bugging me all the time.

So today looks to be mostly an FO day. Those are the best work days. We get done what we need to get done and just enjoy the rest of it. Nice.

Tomorrow Nicci and I decided we will go to a Mall somewhere. Just for fun. We have done zero Christmas shopping so far. We actually may be the first couple in history to not exchange gifts after claiming they wouldn't. But going out to see Santa and get annoyed by crazy shoppers ahs been lacking so we are going. Not sure where though. Usually we go at least once to this big-ass mall near Baltimore. But I'm going to look up a new place on the internet and see about exploring. It's nice to check out new stuff. If I can't find anything cool, we'll do our yearly trip to the old place.

Today should be fun. Time to get it started.  :)